we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
