Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
