Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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