thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
