Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
