Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
