I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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