his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
