dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
