12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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