A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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