is your mom at the bar?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
