I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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