Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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