Got a toothbrush?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I won't apologize to a one balled man
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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