if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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