How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
