I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Is Oprah even human
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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