Dude my mom stole all your condoms
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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