Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
