booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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