my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
