WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
