well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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