We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
