Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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