i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
