two words: eviction party
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
