I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
