i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
