if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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