I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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