Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
