hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
sex in a hospital.. check
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
