True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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