Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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