all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
