My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
