I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
