Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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