Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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