Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
