hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
