is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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