sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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