i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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