its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
