I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
