but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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