Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Where are you guys?
Drunk
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
