i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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