You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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