I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
