My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
